Have you ever felt as though you're confined to the state that you are currently within? Like, maybe the way your life has been going that, for the most part, you're charged with living it forever within the means that currently exist?
I've sure felt that way.
And I kind of knew that I would be feeling this way now.
I had a trip this summer that allowed me to have my views and sense of reality, really altered by the experience. I spent a greater portion of time than I had in the last 3 years just praying, sitting with my thoughts, and comparing them to what God was all about.
Suffice to say, I was living waaay off the mark of how I'm sure God was wanting me to. But, ya see, within that I realized that a good deal of what I should be doing, or should be focused on was simply being in tune with God and, in a lot of ways, letting Him take the first steps for me. So, I found that my troubled mindstate was dealt with in a way I hadn't allowed it to be in a great deal of time.
Thus, upon my preparation for return to Pittsburgh, I got the notion that, although I'd changed, hardly anything or anyone else would have when I arrived home. And I was right, in many regards to that.
So, sure enough, a month back and I found myself being very limited in what things I was able to do and experience, as well as, what I could share because, while I'd been brought to an understanding, I couldn't possibly bring myself to believe everyone else had too.
I felt trapped...but its actually not a really bad thing, ya see.
We seem to, as people, have this big problem with the letter "I." We kind of, use OURSELVES and OUR experience as this crazy measuring stick that everyone else should adhere too.
And, therein, I believe, is the crux of our troubles.
You see, when you're boxed in and feel like you can't express yourself and things you know and things you've got to share and... SEE, there's a lot of "You" going on there, isn't it? Imagine if, as an example, the world was full of people like...You. What would that look like? How many of use can really stand ourselves THAT much? I know I sure can't. As much as I like my crazy conceptualist nature...if we were all doing that, I'd have very little to do or think of. We'd all be doing that. And that wouldn't be great at all.
But, I'm on a slight tangent here... the idea I want for us to think of is that, for the most part, we've been given this ideal that OUR needs and wants are the paramount, ya know, the most important. Forget everyone else and what they may NEED, we should have things how, "I" the individual, WANT things to be as.
Now, I don't say that to mean that our individualism is horrible. God gave us that ability and its good. However, I'm trying to lay out some perspective here:
How many times has the catalyst for your feeling confined come from your inability to recognize that you are ONE note in GOD'S song? We ALL like to feel as though OUR place is important, and it is...but, and I find this as key, it can't be right to go along feeling as though your place is MORE important than the rest of humanity.
Take it like this, and I'll stop here because this is where I am now: If you were to pull back, literally sprawl back to a place where you could see the whole of everything and everyone that existed, where would you be? Would you see the course of reality and history being one that lead up to your sitting and (possibly) reading this blog here, or would the moments that resonate throughout eternity showcase multiple acts, by various people, lining up a grand image that equates to a storyline pointing to the one who has exited within and WITHOUT it?
I have ideas and stories and images that I'd like to get out there to the people in the world to experience...but, minus the perspective to see that my troubles aren't that amazingly limiting to what WILL be the point of existence, This box-like feeling I have now, just isn't all that important or pressing.
At least its not, in the Grandest View.
Think on it.
- Conduct Lionhardt